anGelTears Heaven

It’s been a year and I still can’t get it out.

I miss you Jenai.

Once upon a different lifetime, you asked me to come with you to your distant land of promises and dreams. I gave you my hand, my heart, my hopes.

Heartbeats away from walking hand-in-hand into the sunset, you were gone. Up, away, and out of my life.

Dark eternities have passed as I moved on from your shadow. Now you return for an interlude of sunshine. Everybody’s happy.

But I’m not.

You’re back but you’ve left your memories behind. They’re all gone, with the cold winds that soon would be blowing you away again.

You ask me once more to come and see that land of hope, of promises that have grazed your fingertips and dreams breaths away from reality. You ask of me once more to come see you fly off into the endless horizon of possibilities that are yours for the taking. You hold that world in your hands, anyway. But in that world, you wouldn’t be holding my hand.
I may be seeing you – but only around.

First
question: where did you go?  Why did you leave? 

But
for me the important question is: why are you back? 

I’ve
moved on.  I’ve built my life with and around somebody whose hopes and
dreams I hold on to as mine.  He is quite fragile now, but someday he will
grow up to be big and strong.  ’til that someday comes, I will be his
strength, and he will be mine. 

You’re
right - the world needs a savior.  You may not be of this world, but you
belong to it.  You belong to the world, as the world belongs to you.
You belong to the world, the world I try so hard to belong in.  You belong
to the world – but not to me.

So
tell me now:  why are you back in this world – my world?

Four years later yet. . .

— «Gìsëllé» wrote:
> 11/19/2002
> 9 pm
>
> (while listening to Moonstar’s “Liham”)

> I was reading the journal of a person (with his
> permission of course) who claims to love me. That
> darned 3-word proclamation of myocardial triumph
> over cranial function is definitely misused and
> abused. Barely midway through it I found myself
> feeling so… betrayed. Declarations of undying
> love, eternal longing - and I had yet to come to the
> part where he gets together with his legendary
> ex-girlfriend, who has set the untoppable standards
> for female desirability. So tell me, where do I fit
> in this equation? Am I just another variable, to be
> pushed around til the real value is gleaned from the
> others who have played out their functions? Can I
> actually have a future with someone who had promised
> his to someone in his past? Am I being bratty when I
> say that I refuse to share something that had been
> given to someone else before? Am I just being stuck
> in the past? Am I refusing to see whether the
> present merits a chance for the future? Maybe I’m
> just too afraid to open myself up to the possibility
> that someone can actually be true to me…
>

From an old letter to one of the people in my old mailing list (circa 2002)

On geetting up, growing up, and moving on

That’s okie. I guess I can understand that. It’s healthy to be
angry, because suppressing your anger over what happened is like
denying that you have been wronged. And that makes things worse
since you would be blaming yourself thus making it even harder to
move on. And move on you must *in Yoda voice*. It is difficult to
get past such a pain. It hurts to think about it, to even just
realize that you’re breathing the same air that she is breathing. It
hurts just being alive. But beyond that pain is that beauty in life
you can see only through eyes that have been washed clean with the
tears. It’s been 2 years for me as well. The anger and the pain are
still there, but it doesn’t rule my life anymore. I used to hate my
ex with such a bitterness that it drained me, because I was also
hating myself and life as well. But that’s wrong. Life is too
beautiful to be spent in the darkness of anger. That’s why I started
getting into new and different things. Not only does it take my mind
off the pain, it also helps me discover more of myself, and more
about myself to love. So even if I don’t have that specific someone
to love me, I know that I am totally devoid of being loved. Maybe it
could work for you too. Try a new thing everyday, see things in a
different perspective. Who knows, that might be more effective than
basketball.

~ Giselle <- feeling really good about herself cause she just
mastered putting up her hair using a chopstick. *~_~*

Hi Joei,

I came across a long email  I was supposed to send to you nearly two years ago.  I’m holding my breath.  When I finally exhale, I don’t want to realize that even all that time has failed to dull the raging emotions behind that unsent email *sigh*

AfterGlow
- INXS

Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divides the thorns from the roses
It’s you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I’m living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who owns tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I’m caught in your shadow, I’m losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice ’til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I’m living in your afterglow

When the veils are gone, as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I’m living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divides the thorns from the roses
It’s you who is closest

I’m sorry but this still haunts me.  This is among the first things that opened my eyes to you, and made me think that we could never be. 

When will you ever be free of the thorns, roses -  the afterglow?  When will I?

The irony of it is, the afterglow is actually. . . mine,

. . . and I go right back to reading the old messages  The more charged ones, even.  Somebody stop me.

I went online and checked my mail to wind down and get to sleep.  I had to ask around if anyone else was enjoying the late night quiet time.  Worse, I had to go over old mail and conversations.  It’s hard enough leaving the past in the past when it keeps on trying to catch up with you - just long enough to make you realize it was once there. . .

Maybe I should totally dispose of my Edsamail client.  That would be like throwing away a big chunk of me, my memories, my growth through the year. 

With how things look, feel right now, that doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. . . *finger poised on the delete button*

If Superman can hear all the sounds, together and individually all at once, who does he fly to first?

If everyone is calling out to him, claiming to be on the brink of death and in dire need of saving, who does he save first?

If you were not saved first, or at all, does it mean you are any less worthy of doing so?

Yes, debilitating.  In tribute and wishes of luck to you my dear, bear, father figure :)  I need to go back to Tagaytay and kidnap Rain Bear!