anGelTears Heaven

I leak.

    I live.

Pat’s off to camp for 5 days.

*trembling lower lip*

My baby boy!

*bawl*

*staring into the mirror for the first in a very long time*

What a hideous mess. . .

This is what stirred me to wakefulness, pulling me from slumber’s sanctuary, sending me reeling 12 years into the past:

Runaway Train
- Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
I promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now,
I’m in too deep; there’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life’s mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin’ in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don’t believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It’s just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

It was then that I realized . . . my left foot was hurting.  It’s the weaker right that’s usually the site of injuries.  I am now walking with a limp.

I think I’ve just been run over running away.

Cloud 9 on 9

(",)

Crashing back down to reality however. . . how in the world am I supposed to write a paper on a med-related topic all within 4 hours and with enough energy and dsanity left over to later to go school and teach? *bawl*

I just finally realized that one of the Bulletin Board announcements of someone in my friends’ list was from his sister - on the details of his interment.

I found myself hurtling back through heart-wrenching memories, in the cold funeral parlor, staring down at the face of my best friend and asking why she had to go. 

Jenai . . . :,(

Rest in peace Alex (as I had come to know him) Patacsil.  Thank you for touching my life back in highschool. 

I guess you’ve really left.

Well . . . good-bye too.

I’ve been neglecting my other blogs.  This one’s mostly for placeholders for my thoughts and a little of my feelings.  I’m somewhat hesitant to update the other 2 (yes I have another one.  Can you guess where it is? ) because it’s as if I can’t do justice to the issues at hand. 

That and it really feels like ever since Jenai, it’s as if I find myself feeling like I can’t move past this stopper on my thoughts and emotions.  They say I should just start writing and everything will follow.  But. . . it’s not.

I don’t think it’s a simple case of writer’s block.  It’s gotten so bad to the point that I resigned from my job as web content developer because I felt I couldn’t deliver.  Maybe I’m just not over grieving.  If I’ve already started, that is.

P.S.  I’m tickled pink though to find a shoutbox message from a highly-esteemed former instructor of mine

huwag mo nang itanong
e-heads

hika ang inabot ko
nang piliting sumabay sayo
hanggang kanto
naisipan kong
parang sweepstake
ang hirap manalo
ngayon
pagdating ko sa bahay
iba ang yong kilay
ayoko ng ingay

Chorus:
wag mo nang itanong sa akin
di ko rin naman sasabihin
wag mo nang itanong sa akin
at di ko naman sasabihin

fieldtrip sa may pagawaan
ng lapis
ay katulad ng buhay natin
isang mahabang pila,
mabagal at wag katuturan

ewan ko
oh! hindi ko alam
pwde bang
wag na lang nating pag-usapan

repeat chorus

Why? 

Wala lang :Þ

Ultraelectromagneticjam

UltraElectroMagneticJam!
Artist: Various Artists
Released: 2005
Label: BMG Music Entertainment
Number of Tracks: 17

TRACK LISTING

1. 6cyclemind - Alapaap
2. Paolo Santos - Magasin
3. Imago - Spoliarium
4. Barbie Almalbis - Overdrive
5. South Border - With A Smile
6. Sugarfree - Tikman
7. Kitchie Nadal - Ligaya
8. Isha - Torpedo
9. Francis M - Superproxy 2K6
10. Orange and Lemons - Huwag Kang Matakot
11. Sponge Cola - Pare Ko
12. MYMP - Huwag Mo Nang Itanong
13. Cueshe - Hard to Believe
14. Radioactive Sago Project - Alcohol
15. Brownman Revival - Maling Akala
16. Rico J. Puno - Ang Huling El Bimbo
17. Various Artists - Para Sa Masa

Avril Lavigne
Why

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn’t you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don’t care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we’re not saying
Let’s play, a different game than what we’re playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I’m gonna let us fall apart?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you’re far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you’re far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Why? 

My way or the highway.  Not.

Just because. 

Oh, and I want to give blood.  Nothing can stop me.  Except the doctor :Þ