anGelTears Heaven

I have to go regain my strength, pieces of me.  Armed only with my family’s love and my heart worn around my neck, I have to set out and face my fears.  Jenai, please keep me company on this journey too.  I need you badly. . .

Please hear me.  I have to go soon. . .

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there’s bits of it on the floor
And I take what’s left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I’m lonely
And I don’t think you meant it when you said you couldn’t love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you’d feel it too

He said I’m sorry
so sorry
I’m sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrist
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can’t you love me, I’ll change for you
I’ll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I’m lonely
And I don’t think you meant it when you said you couldn’t love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you’d feel it too

He said I’m sorry
so sorry
I’m sorry
I am sorry

Dear Ken,

    I see Jack Black, I think of you - but that’s not because you look like him.

Dear Glenn,
   
    I see King Kong, I think of you - and that’s because. . .

Weheehehehehe *rofl*

Okie, that’s it.  I should try and get myself into Christmas mode.

*runs off in search of the ever-elusive puto bumbong*

The whole mess with *bleep’s offer (later note: post has been deleted due to thnly-veiled threats I’ve been getting) has spun out of hand.  Now they can’t even keep their word on something as simple (and offered at that) as forwarding me an email.

It’s infuriating to think that the last quarter of the year has been turned upside down, inside out because of them.   No thank, I didn’t need any more help with that.

I had thought that after hurdling the application process, I’d be able to somewhat lay back, relax and recover from a very colorful year - spontaneously combusting monitors, domestic crises, graduation, bar, sibling sicknesses, Jenai’s death. . .

Death. . . I had thought that Dean Sison’s death last year had sobered me up enough to accept the reality of death among us, but I was once more proven wrong. 

Rockwell had evoked memories, very fond memories of Dean.  She was the first friendly and motherly face I found in ILIS.  She always had a kind and encouraging word for me and had even taken to calling me ‘pretty girl’ - most especially during the times that I felt I was everything but.  She was the one who picked me up and urged me on when my thesis seemed hopeless (once more because of other people’s negligence).  I was so excited to introduce her to Mommy, during graduation especially.  I wanted her to know that I got there because of her too. 

It broke my heart when I received news of her death.  I guess in a way the physical exhaustion that had marked that period in my life made it easier for me to zip through the stages of grief in a matter of minutes.  Turns out those would be unfolding again much later.  I had made it a point to go to the funeral as soon as I could - even if it meant travelling to Laguna after having been awake for 36 hours straight from frozen hell.  I even went to the memorial service held in Diliman - and that’s when I felt that I had nothing left to hold me back to ILIS. 

Death, the news, possibility and occurence of it affects me so much differently now.  Yes, I did cry over Bailey’s death in The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.  It just so happened that I watched it on Jenai’s birthday.

It’s an unsettling feeling for someone who was once suicidal.  The scars have healed - but that episode in my life brought out the keloidal response of my system.  Quite telling of how my life runs, huh.

I still miss Jenai badly, very badly.  I was starting to worry, but I found one site that said that a resurgence of the grief at this point in time is somewhat normal.  Well, I guess that’s a consolation.  I guess. 

:,(

I feel so disjointed.  This definitely doesn’t feel like Christmas.  I’ve taken to at least trying to chirp out carols duing my manic moments, but it doesn’t help at all.  I end up wanting to hit myself on the head - twice.

Maybe I just need puto bumbong.  I hope someone remembers. 

I’m happy Pat’s already back from camp.  He’s alarmingly thinner.  He’s sleeping in the room and I already miss him again.  It’s just like when Bim and I are talking and she ends up falling asleep on my bed.  More than feeling the effects of being suddenly evicted from bed, I start missing her - and she’s just right beside me.  It’s just like Mommy and I spending the whole trip home talking and just thinking of her sleeping on the other side of the wall when we get home already  makes me miss her.

I miss . . . myself - the one who doesn’t drive people away without even trying.

It’s the vividness of these missings, longings that make me even more afraid of letting other people into my life.  It kills me.  But then again, those people help me live life to the fullest. 

To the people around me, my friends: I’m so sorry.  I really don’t want you and your lives to be caught up in the mess of mine.

Despite the general peace, my mind’s a mess too.  I really hope I won’t be finding myself in a Will & Grace position.  I realy should be careful of what I ask for.

*sigh*

‘Nai. . . :,(

I heard this and found it cute. 

Kahit Na
- Bridge

Di na kailangan pang mag-isip kung tayo nang dalawa
Di sa lahat ng bagay tayo ay magkatugma
Bastat pag-ibig natin ang siyang magdadala
Bahala na

Ang dami dami mong katwiran nagbibilang ka ba
Masinop ka, makalat ako
Naiiyak ka, pero natatawa ako
Pabagu-bago ang isip mo nung desidido ako
Eh ano ngayon

Kahit na
Oras oras tayong di magkasundo
Kahit na
Lagi lagi tayong may tampuhan
Kahit na
Tayo pa rin diba

Natitiis ba natin ang lambing ng isa’t isa
Mga yakap at halik, at kung ano pa
Maliliit na bagay kayang palampasin na
Ganyan talaga

"Unresolved grief doesn’t go away - it simply goes underground."

I’ve taken to going through grief sites.  Is this tantamount to admitting I’ve subscribed to professional psychiatric help?

I’ve tried to write out my pain, but it still feels as if I can’t let any my feelings out. . .

There is that someone out there whose heart beats faster at the sight and even thought of you, wants to be better, wants to make the world a better place, just because of you. . .

- paraphrased from Christopher

I’m Free
- Author Unknown

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path, God laid for me
I took his hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that place, at the close of day
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow
My life’s been full, I savored much;
good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, He set me free.

I Will Remember You 
- Sarah McLachlan
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times
that we had
We let them slip away from us
when things got bad

Clearly I first saw you
smiling in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

I’m so tired, I can’t sleep
Standing on the edge of
something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much
but cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, oh
we can’t be heard.

So afraid to love you;
more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that
doesn’t let me choose
But once there was a darkness
deep and in this night
You gave me everything you had, oh
You gave me light.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author Unknown

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things
we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you
and each time you think of me
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was
in Heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I’d always thought
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for
and so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love shared
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
I thought, just for a while,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe you would smile.

But then I fully realized
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
that I’d miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from his great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity
and all I’ve promised you.
Today for life on Earth is past
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day,
there’s no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and true.
Though there were times you did some things
you knew you shouldn’t do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand
and share my life with me."

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here in your heart.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep (1932)
Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
I am the gentle breeze
whispering through your hair.
I am the butterfly that fans your cheek,
gently reminding you I am near.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep (1996)
Wilbur Skeels

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.
When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Taken from Heaven’s Treasures.  Even amidst the tears, the irony was not lost on me.

Weaver, Weaver

 

(Chorus) Weav-er, weav-er weave her thread,
           whole and strong into Your web,
           Heal-er, Heal-er heal her pain,
           in love may she return a-gain.

 

We are dark and we are bright we are formed of
           earth and light,
           From joy and pain our lives are spun, all too soon the spin-ning’s
           done.

 

(chorus)

 

No one knows why we are born, a web is made, a web
           is torn,
           Like wan-d’ring sea-birds we a-light to rest one mo-ment, then take
           flight.

 

(chorus)

 

May she find the hid-den way be-yond the gates of
           night and day,
           To that sweet land where apples grow and end-less healing waters
           flow.

 

(chorus)

 

At that spring may she drink deep and wake to
           dream, and die to sleep,
           And dream-ing spin an-oth-er, a shin-ing thread of life re-born.

 

(chorus)

If tears could build a stairway to heaven
and memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
and bring you home again

author unknown

"When I Must Leave You"
Author unknown

When I must leave you for a little while
please do not grieve and shed wild tears
and hug your sorrow to you through the years.

But start out bravely with a gallant smile;
And for my sake and in my name
live on and do all things the same,

Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
but fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;

And never, never be afraid to die,
For I am waiting for you in the sky!

The Last Time
If I knew it would be the last time
That I’d see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
And pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
That I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
And call you back for just one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would videotape each action and word
So I could play it back each day
If I knew it would be the last time
I could spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you"
Instead of assuming you KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day…
Well, I’m sure you’ll have so many more,
So I can just let this one slip away.
For surely there’s always tomorrow
To make up for an oversight,
And we always get a second chance
To make everything right.
There will always be another day
To say our "I love you’s".
And certainly there’s another chance
To say "Anything I can do’s?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
And today is all I get,
I’d like to say how much I love you
And I hope we never forget….
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
Young or old alike.
And today may be the last chance you get
To hold your loved ones tight.
So, if you’re waiting for tomorrow,
Why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
You’ll surely regret the day.
That you didn’t take that extra time
For a smie, a hug, or a kiss.
And you were to busy to grant someone,
What turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
And whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
And that you’ll always hold them dear.
Take time to say "I’m sorry," "Please forgive me,"
"Thank you," or "It’s ok."
And if tomorrow never comes,
You’ll have no regrets about today

In Treasured Thoughts of You
Lonely nights and lengthy days,
butterflies and morning haze,
singing birds and moonlight glow,
Thoughts of you which come and go..
Emptiness where you once walked,
Silence echoes where you talked,
The scent of you in air I breathe
Your touch upon the morning breeze
Anxious children, wanting dad
and the fun times they once had,
Shattered dreams that can’t come true,
Live on in treasured thoughts of you.

I’ll carry on and follow through,
with all the things which we would do,
And hold you in my heart each day,
even though you’ve gone away,
With each new hope I’ll see you there
and feel your presence in the air
As time passes I’ll be strong,
and hold you close as life goes on.
You’re not here and I’m not there
but you still linger everywhere.
Everything you’d say or do,
Lives on in treasured thoughts of you.
(c)1999, M.J. Monroe

"You Can Still Be Free"
Cool breeze and autumn leaves
Slow motion daylight
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free

Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
You’re trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it’s a long long way to go

Keep moving way up high
You see the light
It shines forever
Sail through the crimson skies
The purest light
The light that sets you free
If time will set you free

Sail through the wind and rain tonight
You’re free to fly tonight
And you can still be free
If time will set you free
And going higher than mountain tops
And go high the wind won’t stop
And go high
Free to fly tonight
Free to fly tonight
- Savage Garden, Affirmation

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

(1) I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

(2) When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

(3) I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.

(4) When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

I miss you so much Jenai :,(

I find myself back 6 years ago, heart and spirit broken but this time without you there to keep me safe from the world, and especially from myself.

I couldn’t even bring myself to visit your grave, just as I couldn’t find it in me to find my way back when they finally had your ashes.

I’m so sorry.

It hurts so much missing you.

:,(

I found a phone in the washroom.  I picked it up, and was about to hand it to the custodian when I ran into the owner (or at least I hope she was).

Does it really pay to be a good girl?  That has always been one of my biggest issues.  Seems as if no matter what I do, I still always lose out to the bratty ones.  I’m no angel - I have my moments when I feel like I can sprout wings and a forked tail, but I think my mom’s efforts to raise me as a ‘good’ girl have paid off and become a part of my personality make-up, like it or not.

I noticed though that it seems that instead of valuing you, it makes people tend to take you for granted.  Or maybe I should just keep Rain’s words always in mind:

    There’s a difference between being mabait and pagpapakatanga.

People are People
- D’Sound

I am the one
who believes in all that you say
I am the one
who never wants to define herself
I am the one
who’s paralell, upfront, behind
I am the one
paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, too much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley:
“I shall never, ever fall”

People are people
and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m
going on

I am the one
who stirrs it up everytime
I am the one
who never knows how close she is
I am the one
who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And I’m crying on the stagefloor:
“I will always prevail!”

I’m going on…

My mom has grown fond of some of my stuffed toys and has taken to sleeping with them perched on her tummy.

I’m disturbed.

Have we been remiss in showering her with affection?

I’m a bit jealous, but I know it’s partly my fault I’ve ‘grown up’.