anGelTears Heaven

How to sense if you’re home -

You’re awakened on an early Saturday morning by:

• the smell of your cologne-doused brother sitting in the air long after he’s dashed out the door after a quick peck on your sleep-marked cheek.
• the feel of your mom tucking you in back into the covers after a cursory inspection and admonitions to eat, keep safe, and get enough sleep.
• the sound of your youngest sister scurrying out the door to beat the morning rush and then doing a double take to check if that’s really you under the sheets.
• the sight of your other sister sprinting out the door in your sneakers, blowing kisses at your generous, sleeping form.
• the taste of dog hair and begging strips lavished by the shoe-running sister’s puppy tail-wagging baby nuzzling you to play.

There really is no place like home. 

"Perhaps you’ve outgrown each other."

That’s what my usual source of wisdom, my mom said.  Maybe.  So that means I shouldn’t be angry that I just got cast aside, disposed of, like some worthless, useless . . . hmm . . .

You don’t outgrow friends - clothes, like lovers maybe; ideals, like hairstyles probably - but friends?  You don’t outgrow friends - only toys.

"Perhaps you’ve outgrown each other." 

Perhaps.  Perhaps not.

I may have been outgrown, but I have grown up. 

A guy who alternately worships and ridicules you for being such a good girl is one who has no need or desire for that in his life. 

Don’t be surprised then if he declares his purest intentions, offers his sincerest friendship and then proceeds to screw you over, and goes, "Sorry, ganun talaga eh" just to convince you.

Nice girls have no place in such a vicious world as this. 

I’ve met more than my share of jerks, but I have to hand it to both guys who at one point in time masqueraded as my best friends, for finally being able to get that through my thick, idealistic skull.  Yes, the very same guys who vowed to protect me from the evils of the world - the very same ones who turned out to be such.

Yep, I’m a believer.

So now how do I hold on to my faith in friendship?  And please don’t say the best example I have is now from heaven . . . because she is in heaven. . . :(  She had always called me her earth-bound anGel, but she beat me to heaven.  I’m assuming I’d get past the gates of hell. 

Because of You
- Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

This is it.  This is the end - of the friendship, of the innocence, of the memories.  What death had  failed to let me see, life has rudely awakened me to.  I refuse to be used, and my concept of friendship abused any further.  Good bye to you, you who claimed to forge a bond beyond blood and time. 

P.S. You really did a number on me there, you know. 

‘Tis the uncertainty, the fatigue, the misguided answers, inadequate time, unforeseen and unwanted turn of events . . . among the million things that have and have yet to go wrong along the way that cast shadows on your bright hopes.  But you, lover of light, you’re not one to be kept in, nor succumb to the darkness.  Rage against the dying of the light.

Just one more week. . .

After which, I do not want to have anthing to do with the Bar, barristers, or even barristas!  In the meantime. . .

*reaches for frappe*

A Place Nearby
- Lene Marlin

I entered the room
Sat by your bed all through the night
I watched your daily fight
I hardly knew
The pain was almost more than I could bear
And still I hear
Your last words to me.

Heaven is a place nearby
So I won’t be so far away.
And if you try and look for me
Maybe you’ll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby
So there’s no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
I’ll always be by your side.
You just faded away
You spread your wings you had flown
Away to something unknown
Wish I could bring you back.
You’re always on my mind
About to tear myself apart.
You have your special place in my heart.

Always heaven is a place nearby
So I won’t be so far away.
And if you try and look for me
Maybe you’ll find me someday.
Heaven is a place nearby
So there’s no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
I’ll always be by your side.

And even when I go to sleep
I still can hear your voice
And those words
I never will forget